


fluorescents and flat pepsi

by elibe



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Pre-Relationship, mall goth edelgard and hubert, wingman ferdinand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-22 04:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22109569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elibe/pseuds/elibe
Summary: Ferdinand takes Dorothea to the mall to discuss her years-old crush on Edelgard. Perhaps (although he’d deny it if you asked) he has ulterior motives.
Relationships: Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra (Background)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 139





	fluorescents and flat pepsi

**Author's Note:**

> hello three houses fans *hands you mall goth edelgard*
> 
> i’ve been meaning to write a cheesy modern au ever since i started 3houses and this finally came to fruition. the black eagles are collectively the smartest house and the house with the most dumbassery

“She’s  _ so pretty,  _ Ferdie,” Dorothea sighs. “You don’t understand.”

“I’m afraid I do, Thea; I’ve known her since we were children.” Ferdinand spares her a pitying look when he glances up from his phone, where he’s been seemingly typing a novel with his thumbs for the past fifteen minutes.

Dorothea isn’t by any means a fan of malls or crowded public places in general, so she isn’t quite sure why she’d asked Ferdinand to meet her at Fhirdiad’s Finest (one of the more  _ bougie  _ malls, to be fair). Something about exposing your hopeless crush to your best friend (and said crush’s childhood rival-turned-friend) over a cup of tea was way too intimate.

“Everything  _ about  _ her is just —  _ ugh!”  _ Dorothea gestures aimlessly before resigning to sipping her flat, watered-down Pepsi. “Like, how am I supposed to  _ interact  _ with her when she has more class in her fucking pinky finger than I do in my entire body?”

“Well, you’ve done a decent job so far,” Ferdinand concedes. He tugs absentmindedly at the collar of his shirt. “You’re  _ grossly  _ underselling yourself. You’re certainly more sociable than she is, and every bit as charismatic and beautiful.”

“You flatter me, Ferdie,” Dorothea sighs. “Thanks for listening.”

Her orange-haired friend reaches out to pat her hand sympathetically. “Always.” 

Dorothea’s thoughts wander idly to the woman that plagued her mind. Edelgard has been a dear friend to her for years. Maybe her crush had started in middle school, when Edelgard had tripped over her own laces and Dorothea had caught her like a prince in a fairytale. Maybe it’d been when Edelgard showed up to her choir practice, unprompted, and told Dorothea that her voice was incredible with genuine awe in her eyes. Maybe it was at Senior prom, when Dorothea barely payed attention to her poor date on account of the shimmering layered dress that Edie wore. 

Regardless, Dorothea has been trying to date Edelgard for months — dropping subtle hints when they spent time together, letting touched linger a bit too long, pretty basic stuff — but to no avail. Edelgard is a smart woman, but, she is, in the best way possible, _oblivious_ when it comes to matters of affection.

Dorothea is brought back to the present by a sharp inhale. Ferdinand’s dark-honey eyes widen in what could’ve been shock or mild fear and his once-gentle hand is squeezing Dorothea hard enough that her bones might snap.

_ “Do not  _ turn around _ ,”  _ he hisses. “Or I  _ will  _ kick you.”  _ (Dorothea shudders. He could deliver a nasty kick, her having learned that from middle school slumber parties where Ferdie had twitched  _ way _ too much in his sleep). _

“Is it her?” Dorothea blanches. The fluorescents are suddenly too bright and her face too oily. She snatches her hand away from Ferdinand’s to clutch her drink. The styrofoam cup threatens to crinkle under the grip of Dorothea’s sheer repressed longing.

“Yes, she’s there,” Ferdinand tries and fails to sound comforting. “She’s wearing those ripped jeans you like.”

“Oh  _ fuck.”  _ Dorothea groans. She sighs and grits her teeth. “Kill me, Ferdie. Shoot me in the fucking head.”

Ferdinand’s expression shifts to a well-rehearsed smile in seconds. He’s staring pointedly over her shoulder, which Dorothea takes as a cue to turn and greet their uninvited (but certainly not unwelcome) intruders. Steeling her nerves, she shifts in her chair as naturally as she can.

Ferdie’s right: Edelgard is wearing  _ those  _ jeans. Her near-white hair is pulled back with silver clasps and a dark turtleneck creeps its way up her pale skin to meet her throat. Dorothea pretends that her heart doesn’t leap at the sight of Edelgard’s small, growing smile.

Her shadow is there, too, decked out in black clothing with a knee-length (tasteful) coat. His striking eyes feel like they’re boring into Dorothea’s very soul, but she doesn’t mind, she even considers the glorified vampire-man a friend. Together, Edelgard and Hubert make a fitting match, with them looking like the antagonists of a cheesy 90’s horror film and all.

“Fancy seeing you here!” Ferdinand exclaims, his chair making an ugly sound as it scrapes the floor in his haste. “You two look dashing as always!”

“Tone it down, Ferdinand.” Edelgard rolls her eyes but gives her friend a good-natured smile. 

Dorothea steels her nerves and pretends she’s on stage. “Hi Edie; Hubie.”

Edelgard shoots a bashful grin at Dorothea when she uses her pet name. Hubert just snorts under his breath, but Dorothea can see the corner of his lip quirking up.

“I didn’t know you frequented this mall,” Edelgard says, shifting her weight to her left leg. Her hip juts out  _ just _ slightly and Dorothea adds it to her mental list of  _ Cute Things Edelgard Does Without Knowing So. _

“Oh, Edie, I absolutely do  _ not,”  _ Dorothea laughs, her anxiety fades as their natural chemistry takes over. “A change of scenery felt like a good idea. Although, I could say the same of you.”

The white-haired woman shrugs. “It was Hubert’s idea, surprisingly. He wasn’t exactly clear on why.”

_ Hmm. Odd.  _ Dorothea spares a glance at the brooding Vestra, who is engaged in a conversation with Ferdinand. She notices (and, at first, thinks nothing of it) that the two of them have been inching away from her. Dorothea is quick to dismiss it, since she’s well aware of the wildly-repressed homoerotic tension between the two of them, but there’s something  _ strange _ about the uncharacteristic fidgeting of Ferdinand’s hands. At a second glance, Hubert himself seems unsettled. He keeps sparing quick glances at her and Edelgard, something akin to  _ confusion  _ reflected in his mint-green eyes. The expression is so  _ un-Hubert-like _ that it throws Dorothea for a loop.

“Well, now my curiosity is piqued, too!” Dorothea laughs after chalking up her paranoia to Edelgard-induced nerves. “You’ve certainly dressed for the occasion — those earrings are beautiful on you.”

Pink blooms on Edelgard’s pale cheeks and she bashfully averts her eyes to the ground. It would be a really sweet moment if they weren’t bathing in fluorescents and accompanied by their painfully oblivious friends. 

Before either of them can continue, Ferdinand steps into their space with an unreadable expression on his face.

“I-I just remembered that I was meaning to show Hubert this shop I think he’d like,” Ferdinand starts with an uncharacteristic quaver in his voice, while the former has tactfully set his eyes to the ceiling. “I’m going to take him there now, if you don’t mind.”

_ Oh, shit.  _ Dorothea’s gaze hardens considerably.  _ Fucking Ferdinand. _

Edelgard, none the wiser, nods. 

“What store is it, Ferdie?” Dorothea breaks the silence. Her eyes bore holes into Ferdinand’s own as she tries to telepathically relay a message of expletives to her traitorous orange friend. “I don’t think you mentioned it before.”

“O-oh, I’m sure I have,” Ferdinand stammers. His eyes dart between her and Edie’s. “I suppose I haven’t gotten a chance to show it to you, yet. Although I wouldn’t want to interrupt your conversation any further!” The way he guiltily chews nervously on his lower lip confirms Dorothea’s suspicion.

_ He planned this. The texting. Hubert’s spontaneous mall visit… They’re in cahoots.  _

“Ferdinand, what’s the  _ name  _ of the store?” Dorothea squares her stance and crosses both arms over her chest.

The ginger-haired man is a near-worryingly shade of red. “Silly me! I must’ve forgotten it! I-I’m sure we’ll stumble upon it. You two — ” he stammers and gestures incoherently at them. “ — er, just.  _ Talk!  _ Or don’t. W-we’ll be back, maybe.”

With that, Ferdinand grabs Hubert’s wrist and, with barely a second’s hesitation, pulls him in the opposite direction. The dark man turns, just for a moment, with an expression that’s the closest thing to  _ fear  _ that Dorothea’s ever seen on him. Hubert mouths  _ I’m sorry,  _ and, in return, Dorothea bares her teeth at him, not unlike an irritated crocodile.

“Oh, you, too?” I don’t appreciate your  _ conspiring!”  _ She shouts loud enough that she’s sure Ferdinand can hear, too. “I thought better of you, Hubert!” The guilty party chooses to ignore her. 

Dorothea sighs. By the goddess, she’d even  _ seen  _ Ferdie texting while she was speaking to him — not that it bothered her — when the man usually puts every bit of his attention on the people addressing him.

“What was that about?” Edelgard looks at her quizzically.

A bolt of embarrassment shoots through Dorothea’s veins. Fuck Ferdinand (now officially the worst wingman) and his stupid conniving gargoyle man-friend. Fuck going to a shitty mall food court on a Tuesday evening.  _ I can’t believe he set me up with  _ Edelgard.  _ The nerve on that man is appalling.  _

_ Oh, well. Not much I can do about it now. _

“Don’t worry about it, Edie,” Dorothea snickers. She turns to meet her gaze and presents her arm with a flourish. “So, shall I lead the way?”

Dorothea thinks she might forgive Ferdinand when Edelgard threads a slender arm through her own and gives a warm smile. “Lead away, Dorothea.”

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter is @lesbolyn!


End file.
